Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
