I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Randomize
