I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
