does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
