i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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