i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
