im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
