Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Randomize
