I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
