Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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