Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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