apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
I'm having to shit out rocks
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