i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
