Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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