I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
