Betty ford says i'm here all night
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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