rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
