if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
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