Does leaving at 3 give Sara enough time to take the bus or are you picking her up?
I cant tell if your joking or not, but I'm picking her up
Do you need some kind of permission slip from her parents or can anyone just go and grab a high schooler these days?
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
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