Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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