I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Randomize
