In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Randomize
