fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
