She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
