he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
