I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
