there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
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