Nicole vs. Life
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
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