we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
