Don't you send me to vm
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Randomize
