i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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