I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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