I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
