i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
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