I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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