even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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