thus making me awesome and them whores
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
