Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Randomize
