So drunk its hurt
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
