i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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