hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
