she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Randomize
