if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize