I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
My legs feel like baby dolphins
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
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