were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I supernannyed him into submission
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
