i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
