Betty ford says i'm here all night
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
