How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
