I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Randomize
