this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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