I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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