I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
