I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Randomize
