Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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