my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
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