I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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