everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
