Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
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