my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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